What’s wrong with single me?

This is the longest in my life I’ve ever been single. EVER.  Seven whole months without anyone in sight who said “Elena, you’re the best thing since Kombucha and I want to spend a ton of time with you”.

Well, except myself. I’ve been there the whole time. Being single has definitely helped me learn how much I love myself.

These days I’m pretty peaceful around it. See I’ve mostly silenced that incessant voice that says “Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Him? Him? Him? Is it him? Is it HIM? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? IS IT HIM???

Part of me has been asking that question every moment of my life since my son’s dad left. It’s been exhausting. Especially in Sayulita, a beach town full of half naked surfer boys, or an Ubud full of conscious nomad men on a mission. Even here, the process of going to work at Hubud, or twice a week ecstatic dance was a constant journey of finding my own center again and again.

For months, every time someone remotely cute moved within 8 feet of me. Is it him? Is it him? *find peace Elena, find center, you are enough for being you.*

Never mind any time I actually had a conversation with one of them! I hoped it would be him. It’s turned out (so far!) that it wasn’t any of them. On each moment where excitement turns into “I’ll see you when I see you, whenever that is.” I’ve had the opportunity to drop another level. To drop all the expectations and intentions and fears and hopes I had for what “could be” with that person.

I’m not saying that what I’m creating is bad. I mean the men that are showing up are beyond my wildest dreams from 3 months ago. There is definitely a new baseline for what’s date material. All of them beautiful, location independent businessmen, out to make a positive difference in the world. One of them was even the guy I FB stalked when I was doing research about traveling and was the reason I knew there would be eligible nomad hotties in Bali. For my birthday I had a guy I’d never met FLY TO BALI to meet me! Try not to create any expectation around that one! Holy fuckaroni!

So I’m feeling pretty good about all of it, I’ve learned so much about myself, I recognize that it’s all helped me fall more and more in love with myself. Plus without 5 year old Alex in the picture for the last 2 months it’s been fantastic to be a footloose and fancy free 29 year old hottie, instead of my usual MILK self.

And then a friend of mine sends me this message:

“You must not want that one on one relationship right now or you'd create it. We're learning that we create everything correct? This is exactly what you are putting out into the world & you are receiving back to you men that don't want a commitment right now. So if it truly is a settled down relationship & a father figure for your son simply create it:) We all have to take responsibility for our own creations.”

Fuck. I can’t deny the truth of that. This is the longest I’ve been single for in my whole life. I know some people spend years or decades single, but as someone who’s always been in relationship, seven months is a long LONG time for me. I recognize (and just had smashed in my face by my friend) that there’s this piece in me that continues to “not create” a partner.

Why am I continuing to create myself single?

So now it’s time to do the inquiry. Do I actually know what I want? What’s standing in the way of me creating that?

Because I’ve watched enough things come into manifestation in my life within 3 days or 2 minutes. The next big breakthrough is only an energy shift around the corner. The next inspired lunch spot, and boom there he is.

But not if there’s part of me that doesn’t want it. Not if there’s part of me that is conflicted as to what I want.

I want the depth of a man committed to growth and love with me.

I think that’s what I want. If it were that simple I would have it. There’s got to be more than that.

It’s not the first time I’ve written the list. So I sit down to examine it.

I want someone who thinks I’m the best thing since Organic Raw Chocolate Raspberry Coconut Cream Cake, and wants to spend lots of time loving with me. A partner, a friend, a lover. Deep, passionate romantic love that endures and grows stronger for decades. Someone I admire and respect, who makes me laugh, and feels like my best friend.  Someone who cherishes me, writes me love notes and tells me I'm amazing, tallented, perfect, beautiful constantly.  (And means it)  Someone who it feels like electricity to kiss and make love with. Someone who gets, and loves and embraces all aspects of me. Someone who is an amazing father and will one day consciously bring new life into the world with me, worship me as a goddess for being the holy womb who holds his seed and nutures life in to being. Someone who will be amazing to me through the vulnerability of pregnancy and is committed in nurturing of myself as a mother, and of that new life. Someone who is droolingly hot, and loves dancing, preferably with a great singing voice, and a passion instrument. Someone who is doing great work bringing consciousness and love to the world. Location independent, but interested in living in Bali for the forseeable future. Someone who will set aside the afternoon to roll around naked in nature with me. Who will pick flowers and tuck them behind my ear, and then nibble my neck till I twitch out in JoyGasmic bliss. Who will laugh at my silly pun jokes, and make me laugh till my cheeks hurt. Who will tickle me, and wrestle with me, and inspire adventures I wouldn’t organize on my own.

I know he couldn’t possibly be 9-5 average, he’s got to be a unicorn himself to even have a chance of keeping up with me.

But I have kid. I know men fall in love and take on single moms sometimes. I even have some friends who fell in love and ended up with 5 or 6 kids with their two families coming together. I’m definitely clear that I’ve been saying for 5 years that I wanted someone to help me raise Alex. There have been men who came in and were good role models and helped me when I needed help. But someone who will stick around, it’s still theory at this point.

I can see how someone like that could/can/does exist, but how does that fit into my desire for a community of people to be energy playing friends and lovers with. Or a maybe being part of a quad, or a little morphing tantra/poly community. How does that fit in with a committed relationship. I can see the lack of clarity within myself.

I want that partner, and I also need him to accept me as I am. And I’m a whole hell of a lot of strange and juicy woman. JoyGasm for fucks sake. There can’t truly be someone who wants and desires all of that in a partner. I need someone who can accept that my favorite thing in the world to do is to get a group of people writhing in laughing orgasmic ecstasy. That’s weird stuff for the average person.

Now I can see the limiting beleifs that hold me back from creating him. So now I go about weeding them out. It could be as little as 3 days.

About 90% of me knows it could be true, soon. Thinks I could have already met him, just haven’t cleared enough to believe that it could be the start of relationship.

The other 10% is screaming bloody murder the “truth” of my unworthiness. This is the part that stops him from popping into my world.

I feel like my list is too specific, too much.

That’s what it comes down to. Too Much. This is one of my core negative beliefs about myself. I’ve done at ton of work on it, and I’m doing really well these days (or you’d never see the light of day of this blog post, that’s for sure!) Too Much is something that stopped me from sharing JoyGasm for eons. Something that has me anchored into an idea that I’m strange, unruly, unloveable, and way too out there for someone to love and want to be with me.

There can’t truly be someone out there like that. Who would love me as I am. Who would take on a JoyGasmic single mom. Too much.

So since I’m here, and I’m pondering all of this. The question remains. If that’s what I believe. What emotions are underlying that, where are they trapped in my body, and am I willing to let them go, so I can create what I really want in life?   

I'll let you know how it goes in the next week! 

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Elena Harder. Courage Catalyst, LifeStyle Artist and Joy Hacker. Elena created JoyGasm to heal her experience of postpartum depression, self sabotage, overworking, people pleasing, and an abusive alcoholic relationship. Since then she’s helped hundreds of others meet their JoyGasmic Self to heal broken hearts, remove negative self talk, eliminate stress, fear and depression, and bring immense joy into daily life. Her current personal records for longest standing greeting hug is 22 minutes, longest continuous solo laugh 26 minutes, and longest collaborative laugh at 1 hour 45 minutes!