First there was love, and then we fell in the river
Thank you For Supporting JoyGasm
There are big changes afoot. On January 12th, my life changes in a really major way (I’ll tell you more about that below!)
First I want to say thank you so much for being one of the people who are reading the chapters of Sacred Sexy Self Love as they come out. Super gratitude to for everyone who has shared feedback, typos and encouragement along the way. It’s not too late to enter the typo contest. If you want to be first to get the printed book, you can pre-order your copy here, I’m offering a gift for anyone who wants to really support and buy 10 books. OR you can support me on a more consistent basis in the creation of books, audios, and dream homes for community families and single moms by sending me a little, or a lot of money monthly through Paetron.com.
I've already pre-sold copies and it’s really put a fire under my butt to get this complete! This is good news because I’ve been writing the book solidly for about 6 months now, and my writing has caught up with present moment.
Catching up to present moment is a major oh-my-god moment or me, because for a while now, I’ve known that when the book catches up with present moment, it’s time to start imagi-writing.
That’s right. The last chapters of the book are part visualization, part manifestation, part self love, part joy, and a big helping of magic, and then watching it come true, just like I asked, or even better. And this next story is a great example of that having already happened.
Not that I haven’t been doing this all along. You know making it up, and making requests to the universe and then watching them unfold. But I’ve been enjoying pretending from time to time that I’m NOT doing that, that I’m not in charge, and that I’m somehow at the whim of magic, or victim to it all (depending on what kind of day it is.)
I know that to manifest powerfully, I have to show up authentic, vulernable, and true to myself. FULLY. Which means sharing the things that I’m most excited about, and that scare me the most to step into.
So today, I knew it was time to share about LOVE.
That’s right! I’m in love! With someone who looks at me and thinks I’m the best thing since Kombucha! I was scared to tell you this, because in the past when I announced I was in love it got bashed down. But it’s true, I got exactly what I asked for, and to make my next great step, I really have to trust it, and trust myself.
To really be in the flow with manifestation (or love),
you have to trust.
You have to trust that even though you feel you’ve had your ass kicked before, even though love let you down, even though you’ve had your heart broken. You need to be able to let go and trust, that it’s going to work out this time. And the only thing that will give you that level of trust, is to really lean into the awesomeness, really lean into love, really let yourself feel it, let it hold you, let it support you, and let it be in your life. Then, and only then can the magic happen in true fullness.
Two months ago, I walked into The Light Cellar and my life forever changed. Since then it’s been a whirl wind of love poems, long nights on skype talking, sharing and loving, and dreams coming true. But I’m getting ahead of myself. To help you understand what just happened in my life, I’m going to share a story of my un-marriage from my old life, and introduce you to a new character in my story. Daniel.
First: Get Un-Married
September 29th. It’s the last day before I leave Bali to go back to Canada and I have a date. I wish it was a date with a hot man who couldn’t wait for me to come back to Bali and live life together, but it’s not. I have to accept that my mission to come to Bali and meet my soul mate has not happened. I’ve dated, flirted, had fun, and walked up the back stairs. I’ve scratched my 28 and single itch, learned a ton about what it means to love with an open heart, and it’s time to go back to being a mom pretty soon. But not quite yet.
First I have a date with destiny. A friend of mine mentioned a Theta Healer yesterday, and I knew I had to go see her.
So with 4 hours left before my plane leaves, I sit down in front of Erika. “What do you want to work on today?” she asks.
I rattle off a list of things that I want to leave behind in Bali, that I’m ready to release all final resentments or attachments I have around pain in being a single mom, and a handful of other things that are going on in my life these days that I’d like to shift. She smiles like she hears this all the time and she asks for my hand, I give it to her, and she beings to muscle test me “Say my name is Elena.”
“My name is Elena.” Yes, my fingers hold strong together.
“I am a strawberry.” No, my fingers fly open.
We talk a little, she tests a few things, and makes some notes, and then comes to “I am worthy of love.” My fingers fly open, no fucking way.
She goes quiet for a bit like she’s listening to something greater.
Say “I am married to Derek.” My fingers give the strongest yes they have in the entire session.
“Are you still married” she asks? I burst out laughing, “We were never married, but we proposed to each other probably 600 times. So I can see how I think we’re still married.”
“Well let’s clear that out” she says, and starts to rattle off her healing protocol rapid fire. My body coalesces into complete presence, there’s a fire like lightning that shoots through my body, goosebumps form on the inside of my soul, and I hear her breathing pick up. I can feel her feeling it too. There is a profound shift happening right now. I know this is why I came to see her.
We do a little more work, and then it’s time for me to go fly. As I ride the taxi, heading into 36 hours of travel time, I think about the implications of having been energetically married to my ex. Of course I attracted all of these emotionally unavailable men while I was in Bali, I was still married! On a very visceral level, my boy knows that now I’m not, and I wonder what the future holds.
Second: Be Open To Love
In my time in Bali I’ve had a string of love affairs, short and alchemical encounters with the opposite sex that have helped to re-create me as I am. I thought I would fall in love with each one of them as they showed up in my life, I walked into evenings and weeks with them with a heart open to love. I’ve become unattached to who or how love shows up in my life, I know it will always be there. There will always be a cuddly, sexy, hot conscious man to keep me company if that’s what I desire. I know that with certainty that there will be a new lover in my life within 24 hours to 4 days of arriving in any new place, and it’s easy to open with these conscious and beautiful men.
It’s easy and it’s not. Because with each of them, as much as I am learning. I have felt this underlying yearning to be in deep alchemy with one. It be with a man who cherishes me more than the others, who will be more than a week long fling, who chooses to have me in his space on regular basis. Who I can deepen with. I know the power of deepening with one person, of creating a love bond. I yearn to allow myself to really open in trust. I’ve let go of the suffering of not having this, and the desire remains.
Underneath this open playing and learning with men, I am yearning for someone to journey with me.
Third: Meet Him Fully
And then, then I meet him.
I’m heading to Bowness to give a talk about JoyGasm. I’m early, so I follow the flow of the day and end up at The Light Cellar.
When I walk through the door there is a friend of mine, and she is talking to this gorgeous man, with the face of a god and a light in his heart that radiates out. I give hello hugs to my friends on either side of him. A friend who works there comes and gives me a hug, and then I give him a hug in the middle. We talk for a little bit, and the energy is high. In the middle of the conversation, he gets up and walks out of the building. I’m a little confused, and a little sad that he’d gone.
I’m standing in the middle of the store thinking about what kind of drink I’m going to get. Gorgeous walks up to me and says “I’m hitting on you,” with a smile that knocks the breath out of me.
I blush and think to myself “I like your style.” I’m in awe that this moment is happening, and I’m at a loss for words, I just stand there feeling turned incredibly turned on, excited and curious. The silence is deafening, and also completely okay. We stand there, and he seems like he’s struggling to find his next words.
A phrase that has helped me a ton in difficult conversations wanders through my mind, so I say to him. “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.”
He seems to relax a little bit, and his next words “Are you available for intimate partnership?” makes my heart skips 3 beats and fills me with joy. I’ve had a breakthrough. It’s official, this question means I’ve escaped the loop of non-committal men. Thank fuck!
“Yes.” I say with a huge smile in my heart. The yes carries a gravity, a truth, a wholeness, the embodied knowledge that I am no longer married to my ex. In my mind, I feel the familiar question “Is this him? Is this him? If this is him, I’m game, yes, this is what I’ve been asking for.” I can feel myself opening in this moment.
“Well, except I’m going back to Bali.” I say. Instantly I’m contracted. How can this be? How can this be what I think it is, when I’m leaving so soon. Why would the universe to this to me? Why couldn’t he have showed up in Bali! I’m leaving!
We can feel the potency in the space. I’m feeling flirty, playful, and even shy in front of this man. I find him incredibly attractive, and he's happy to know I'm avalaible for intimate partnership. Wow.
We float over to the Elixir Bar, and find seats. We sit, and face each other. I wonder who is this person? We sit, deeply gazing into each others eyes for at least 5 minutes in complete silence. There is this sense of knowing. There is this space of YES, there is this wonder.
He offers me his hand, and I reach out to meet it, but I don’t touch him. We feel the energy of the space between our hands, like it is the most natural thing to do. He’s still a bit wobbly with his words, and I think it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He says “Hands have polarities, negative and positive, giving and receiving. My right hand is my receiving hand.” I think about it for a moment. “My left hand is my receiving hand. Can I gift you something?” I hold my right hand in front of his right hand. The change is the connection is palpable. I hold myself intent, gifting him clarity, groundedness, love. I can feel the deepening of our pulse and weave together
Who is this man?
There is a pause in the moment, and I realize I had come to get a beverage or work on my laptop, or something. None of that seems important now.
I look up and Deni is looking at us. I suddenly remember the rest of the world exists. “I wanted to order an elixir, and I have a sore tickle in my throat, maybe you can fix that?” Deni brings me a concoction to ease it. He gives Daniel this eye like he knows something big is up, and brings one for him too. “You need to gargle it, maybe three rounds” Deni says.
I’m a bit at a loss for action, as my body and mind are a blur of love and presence. Daniel takes the first plunge and gargles it in front of me. I follow suit, and we’re gargling at the bar together. We look at each other and laugh. After the third round my sore throat is totally better, and I thank Deni for the suggestion. “Daniel came in earlier today with a sore throat too.” He gives us both this knowing look, like a pure message from the universe “Can you see the magic here?”
There is an impulse that asks us to go adventure together, “Let’s go walk by the river.” Is this really happening?
None of it seems real.
These moments have been deep and soulful, and they come with the sensation of a wink, reminding me of the illusion. This man is not a man. He is a gift, an experience, here to remind me who I am, who I am when I feel love deeply, and remember the essence of who and what I am. In his gaze, I remember deeply the truth of my nature as a spirit, embodied in a body, experiencing deeply the feeling of love. It’s glorious, and it’s an illusion.
We go walking. Our time together is playful, full of laughter. I feel expanded, blissed. The trees are the golden sun of fall, and make rustling noises as we walk. The air is brisk, and the sun is still warm on my skin.
“I’ll race you!” We chase each other through the forest laughing.
We come to the river, and find a spot where we can sit together. At first we sit side by side, and talk more. I feel that hesitancy I sometimes have around men when I’m attracted to them, “Don’t mention your son, you’ll scare him off.” I don’t know how old he is, his face is young, he could be 22, which in my experience means that having a 5 year old son turns this from “dream date” to absolutely nothing in about 2 seconds flat. But the way he breaths, his soul is old, it’s impossible to tell his age. I can hold the energy of possibility just a little bit longer. I manage to avoid the topic the entire conversation. I’m safe for now.
I want to be closer to him. I ask if I we can sit yab-yum. My legs move around his waist, my body sitting in his lap. He pulls me closer, in and up, and we drop into breathing together. His breath is so solid, so strong. I fall in with his rhythm, and the energy rises. I can feel the connection in our heart, and I can feel the definite block in moving it down to my hips.
As we sit there, a voice echoes across the valley “To the right, to the right.” It’s a weird moment, one that makes me wonder if this is real agian.
I suddenly have this incredibly strong urge to roll to the right and throw us in the river. I tell him this and we laugh together.
We move back into breath again. It’s a blissed and blessed space. I’m trying to focus and breathe my energy down. I want to connect there with him so badly. I can feel the potency, and yet my energy just… won’t.. go. Our eyes connect deeper. I can see my Tantra path so alive and vital and active in him. I have attracted this man who will sit there and join me in yab yum on a first date. This is a first date? You bet it is. The best first date I’ve ever had.
I’m also deeply aware that I’ve been in similar situations at least a half dozen times in the last 2 months. I am open to being in love and, this man, this man asked if I was open to intimate relationship. I don’t know what will happen beyond this moment, but that question is a freaking fantastic first. The feeling of love is flooding my body, and I can feel how I deeply want to attach it to him. But he doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him. To save my sanity in this moment I say in my head. “Remember the illusion Elena, this is about how you are feeling NOW, not what this means, or who he could be to you in your life, this is a reminder to anchor in this feeling of love into your life.”
While I look into his eyes, and feel deeply the illusion, I also feel the truth of connection and know that the feeling is real. I am open to being in love with this man.
I struggle to hold both truths at the same time.
As we move back into breathing more, I speak about the wind, how it is my lover, and how it often gusts when I speak the truth.
As I say that, the wind picks up from over my left shoulder, my energy finally drops into my sexual center. I feel incredibly connected to him, to life, to myself, to god. It lasts a quarter of a second, and we fall into the river.
It’s mid October in Calgary. The river is about 4 degrees. Not only am I drenched, but I’m freezing. This is NOT the tropics, what the fuck! Then I look up. He’s drenched, his hair is wet and stuck to his face, and he’s even more handsome than before. That rain moment from the NoteBook, yeah, that’s my life right now. OMFG. I want to kiss him. We get up, and look at each other and our eyes connect in the most powerful way. We laugh. Time stops and it’s the most magical moment, like it’s the only moment that’s ever happened.
My playful self takes over. “We’re already wet! Let’s jump in again!”
He laughs and dives right back in. It’s so refreshing, and I feel incredibly alive. When we get back up, he moves closer to me, and I feel the pulse of our connection. It’s so huge.
“May I kiss you?” He asks, his voice stirs a place in me I didn’t know existed. My response drips with desire and barely whispers out of my mouth. “Yes!”
We weave closer to each other, the seduction and excitement building. Our faces move close together, not touching, but so connected. My body is alive and vibrant.
(That first kiss is sacred ground, and mine and his to remember, and I can’t find the words to share it with you, so please insert your own best kiss memory here.)
I’m certainly not cold anymore! We move apart again, and I reach out and hold his hand. I look up to the hill above us, and there is an elderly couple walking past us holding hands. There is this air around them of love in longevity, of relationship that endures, of many walks next to the river together, of love that deepens sweetly over years and decades.
I look back at this man, who’s hand I am holding, and I get goosebumps. I’ll take that, sign from the universe. I'll also take the reminder that this is all made up. Illusion.
“Let’s get in the river one more time.” I say, but this time it’s not a playful jump, it has this air of ceremony to it, this space of commitment, of deep love. I’m again reminded how the same thing can feel so different each time you do it.
We walk into the river together, holding hands.
We each take the plunge at the same time.
We come up, at the same moment.
We look at each other, and hold the gaze.
There is a part of me that knows deeply
that life will never be the same again
now that I’ve met him.
We walk back to the car, I’m sometimes cold, sometimes fine, and it’s amusing to see how my intention and focus will make me feel freezing, or not at all an issue. Even the cold is an illusion.
As we get close to the car, I laugh. I haven’t unpacked yet, so I still have everything I own in my trunk, including all my clothes. I am always taken care of! I start the car, crank the heat, and then move back behind the car to get changed. I pull out my painting pants, a pair of old cutoff yoga pants, and a boys shirt I found and claimed off the beach in Mexico. He’s dressing, and I want to peek, but don’t. I pick out something beautiful to wear to my event this evening, and am filled with gratitude for having a change of clothes.
We hop in the car and it’s sweltering. Awesome. We’re grateful to be warm, and laugh about the experience. I realize I’m late to meet my friend who I haven’t seen in 6 months, She is speaking at the event tonight too. This in itself is a beautiful cycle coming around again. Cindy and I met 2 years ago because we were both facilitating for a Goddess Mommies, just like this one. I shoot her a quick message, and tell her I’ll be late. I have to go now! The event starts soon.
I drive him back to his car. He gives me his email address, we talk a bit about seeing each other again, his weekend is taking him out of town and I have an event now. We part ways. Potentiality is all that remains of this magical afternoon. Only time will tell if we continue to journey together.
As I go to put my wet clothes in the back seat, I see that he’s left his shoes, a necklace and underwear in my back seat. SCORE. I will definitely see him again.
I drive off to my event, bubbling with the magic of the universe, the energy of love, and extra turned on for sharing JoyGasm with Goddess Mommies tonight.
Oh, and ps. He's arriving in Bali January 12th.