What does it take to stay in a relationship? What makes it really work?
Here’s my thoughts on the short version:
1. A strong initial spark,
2. a willingness from both people to explore and see if you respect and care for eachother
3. The desire to consciously work on it and be completely honest and vulnerable in the process of healing the subconscious,
4. Do that, and become new people together.
5. Dedication to nurturing your love,
6. A strong shared vision to keep your paths aligned and moving forward together towards a shared future.
Beyond that… I’ve never been in a conscious romantic relationship long enough to know… lol
But I would guess that it involves repeating 3-6 over and over again and continuing to choose each other.
I’d like to say that as a conscious being, with conscious communication tools everything is peachy and pollyanna in relationships. But in reality, it can be hard. Especially when you’re dealing with romance, travel and social survivability.
Of course, all relationships have challenges, ups and downs, joys and sorrows. The relationship experts tell us that the more “in love” we fall at the beginning, the more resonance of our deep subconscious pain/trauma there is underneath it all. They call it Imago Love.
When I work with couples, you can sense this Imago love immediately. Even if they are experiencing challenge, you can feel the connection deep underneath it all, the underlying love. In some couples, it’s obvious it’s not there, and probably never was. Although learning conscious communication tools can be helpful to any couple, and there are hacks to ease communication and rekindle passion, to be totally honest, for those couples who don’t have that Imago love, it’s really hard to rekindle that spark, when it wasn’t there in the first place.
I had a real-life experience of how important it is to have ALL of those things in place when Max and I were in the process of dating and splitting up. Looking back on it, we had 2, 3, and 4 down pat, and both became much more awesome people from the process but by the time we hit Spain around this time last fall, things were on the decline…
Here’s a story from the soon to be released JoyGasm Book (Go to JoyGasm.me/book to get the first 15 chapters, and updates on when it’s being printed)
“Traveling together had been difficult for a few months, and it was seeming like our desires and dreams for where we wanted to be were very different. He wanted to be in a big city, dancing, going to chic cafes and fancy restaurants, adventuring to a new city every month. I wanted to see more of the world for sure, but I also wanted to hang out in small beach towns, preferably speak Spanish, and explore local culture in a deep way, getting in with the locals, eating cheap and dirty, and exploring what life was like in that place. I wanted to be able to get to know people, and after a few months of a new place every month, I had realized that more than anything I wanted to stay someplace for 6 months or more.
Obviously, we had a massive clash in future/present vision going on.
So with that challenge hitting the fan, what do we do? Well, as two people fluent in non-violent communication, and committed to working on our relationship we both look at each other and try and state our needs, find a compromise, work it out. Easier said than done.
Using the statement “I feel” is meant to turn the communication back towards you, your feelings your needs, and keep that projection in check. But with my sense of freedom being curtailed by our shared travel plans, my emotions were flying high. Both of our basic needs and desires are not being met for how we wanted to live, and more often than not we find ourselves slipping into “I feel like YOU…” insert subconscious pain based accusation here.
After a few weeks of this, we realize this is bigger than we could handle ourselves and seek help from a friend and facilitator of communication. He calls us both out on the improper use of the NVC format and we move deeper into being as conscious with our communication and projections as we can. We commit, again, to owning our crap, and moving through it together. Both of us have been feeling stuck, and frustrated, but we are willing to work it through, together.
Newly committed we drive back into the work, a few weeks of this go back and forth, and I’m exasperated.
It’s so challenging to speak with him. I get SO angry. We’re working together, and we spend days and days (it seems) trying to find peace in our interpersonal/romantic so that we can actually have a working conversation in our work lives. On top of that, the work isn’t working either (aka providing revenue) so it seems pointless… deep to the core of my pain.
One day after a particularly frustrating conversation, I sit down with myself to figure out why this all so challenging, and why the heck this is happening.
As my thoughts wander around, I realize that I’ve been trying to leave the relationship for a month or so now, and every time I start to have the conversation he says “But you can’t threaten the relationship, we have to work on it together.” I hear you Max, and if I wanted to work on it…fine. If I don’t then fuck it. Well.. okay. Not fuck it.
Because I’ve been through this “relationships transition with a boyfriend” a half dozen times or so in the last few years, and I know what it takes to get closure and release someone in a loving and healthy way now. I’ve had lots of practice. There’s no need to be as uncomfortable in this as we are, if we just get clear on what’s happening and be honest with each other about what’s next.
I had thought when we started this thing that since Max was a spitting image of my “list of things I want in a partner” that I might not have to go through this whole relationship transition thing again… But now it looks like it’s staring me in the face. Fuck…
So I start to ponder. What does it really take to stay in a relationship, if this isn’t it?
Here’s my thoughts:
1. A strong initial spark, (nope)
2. a willingness from both people to explore and see if you respect and care for each other (yes, except I don’t respect him sometimes)
3. The desire to consciously work on it and be completely honest and vulnerable in the process of healing the subconscious, (got that one)
4. Do that, and become new people together. (Been doing that)
5. Dedication to nurturing your love, (sort of)
6. A strong shared vision to keep your paths aligned and moving forward together towards a shared future. (I don’t want to live like he wants to live)
I think back to when we met. Co-Boat in Thailand. I remember meeting him and feeling he was interesting. Well… “at least, more interesting than everyone else in that small boat.” We’ve laughed our way through telling that story a dozen times to people, and I remember what he said about me.. “I saw her and thought, who is this crazy woman with a kid, she’s weird.”
Not much of a spark there… in fact, if it wasn’t for the wild adventure of capsizing, bailing out a dingy and almost dying on a day trip, I’m not sure that we would have ended up in a relationship. If we hadn’t “happened” to be going to the same island and co-working space afterwards, he would have disappeared from my life without a look back, and I from his.
Not much of a spark then.
I think back to the times that I’ve fallen madly in love…. That Imago Love the Guy and Katie Hendrix speak of. The sparkling fire within our bodies, the certainty that this was something special. The feeling of being drawn, and inescapably desiring that person. I remember feeling that with Derek, Rafiq and Daniel… I know from the memory of the feeling with the other men, that this time, that spark just wasn’t there…
In fact, after the whirlwind drama and pain, I’d just had with Daniel in Bali, I’d specifically asked the universe for something calmer next boyfriend around. Got it!
So the core of our relationship is “happenstance, similar visions, mutual support, and a willingness to give it a go” and having run with that for a while, we now had “entanglement of emotions, logistics and ‘cuz we said we would” added into the mix.
I think wistfully of falling in love with Daniel, the kind of love that swept me off my feet, how I couldn’t help but walk over to his house, the poetry that had spewed forth from my heart, and the magic and love permeated the field of our moments together. The start of this relationship had none of that.
If I am completely honest with myself, it is a relationship of social survivability. Having moved from Bali to Thailand, and new to a place, Max was the most willing and interested person there, he wanted to hang out with me. When Alex called him Dad 3 weeks in (something he’d never done with any of my other boyfriends), and we’d both blushed and hoped for love that ended in like that, it had anchored it in, and made it more real than it maybe was at that point. On top of that, Max was willing to be loving and kind to me when many of the other Digital Nomads around me looked at the fact that I had a kid and excluded me.
Not really the foundation of a long-term love relationship.
In that moment I know we are over, and I know that moving forward I will make better decisions for relationships. No more dating men I’m lukewarm about.
I know from him and other lovers, that by 6 to 8 to 9 months in, the love and connection, the novelties of getting laid regularly most often have worn thin and the challenge begins in earnest. The challenges are all there to be seen, right from the get go, but the love and oxytocin high blinds you for a few months. Max and I had even named this from the start of our relationship, we knew exactly what we were getting into, and here we are in the middle of the challenges.
I realize deeply that I have been contemptuous of him from the start, I’ve been learning to accept and love the aspects I find challenging about him, but the contempt lingers and underlays everything that we do together. No wonder it doesn’t work.”
I can’t take back or change the time Max and I spent together, nor would I want to. The love we shared, though not Imago love, was a deep and committed friendship and romance that we supported through strength and determination. I became a much clearer and more loving person through the dedication we had to working out our stuff together. It’s beautiful to see now that Max and I were able to transition our relationship, still maintain a friendship, and co-support each other in understanding our challenges as we work towards moving closer to our vision for what our dream lives look like, even though we aren’t romantically together anymore.
I decided that in the future to merge my life on that level with someone, I would really need to care at the core about who they were, what they wanted, and how we could be together.
When Dan and I met up again this spring and sparked like crazy, again. I thought. “This is what is needed at the core of it, this is the feeling to come back to, to try and find again if shit hits the fan.” A part of me relaxed and loved deeper. We still are. I could tell you stories for days, and…. Dan and I are still navigating how much and what I share about our life with the world through FB. I’ll share more when we get clearer.
What I didn’t realize at the time of the insight with Max was that I needed to apply this to my friends too. To all the people in my world, the ones I was dreaming and creating and visioning with as well. To be meticulous about the quality of the connection. This is strange for a woman who is used to figuring out who to hang out with by “social survivability standards”
1. do they look/feel dangerous, no.
2. Do they look/feel reasonably like-minded. Yes.
3. Are they leaving the country tomorrow or in the next week? No.
4.Do we like each other enough to spend time together for a couple of hours because we have nothing better to do as travelers. Yes.
Okay now we are friends!!!
It’s a new ball game for me to figure out what long term friendships can look like.
When I arrived back in Calgary, I connected with the people around me. I reached out to the people I remembered being helpful, kind and supportive in my life. The people I really liked last time I was here. Some of them replied, some of them had moved on. Great. Got support network. Whew. Social Survivability is taken care of.
As the new year comes closer, there’s a feeling of checking in, how is this whole “having longer-term friends thing going Elena?” Add in some recent relationship challenges, and it seems more important than ever to ask the question…. is the core, the spark, the feeling of it all strong enough to maintain the love through the times of challenge?
Questions I’m asking myself about my relationships…
Is the spark there at the core?
Even if our shared vision never happened, would I still want to be around this person?
Do they demonstrate the skills needed to work on the challenges that may arise?
Do our dreams for the future align?
Six months later, the community has expanded, At the potlucks I see others connecting together, friends forming, connections moving deeper. It’s beautiful, heartwarming, and loving. I notice that I feel the spark with some people, it’s got that Imago feeling, that feeling that it’s amazing just to lay in their arms and be warm and silent, or talkative, or whatever together. The feeling that my heart sparks when they walk into the room. I’ve noticed that I don’t have that with others. Some are interesting to me even without the spark, and some are in between, and some people I’m happy to see, but may never really get to know. Only time will tell. I’m learning that’s okay.
I see people I spark with connecting deeply with others. I watch them go super deep into conversation or cuddles, and that’s great. My heart is warm for their love, whatever brings them joy. I want them to follow their hearts and explore where seems most interesting. I see new faces, and I’m curious about them, wondering who they are and what they be. Some of them spark with me more than others. I’m learning that’s okay.
Maybe we see each other once a month, once a week, never outside of potlucks. Each relationship is different… With a new awareness for some of the projections I’ve been putting on others, and some of the ones I’m finding have been put on me, I find it more and more important to get clear what are the expectations around the friendships I have. Do we want to get together more? Do we have the time? Is it enough to see each other in passing once a month, share some cuddle puddle, and food, and know that we’re still around and still showing up to the same places? I also want to check in, are there places/people with whom I may have miscommunicated, or have I been unclear on what I could give, or needed to receive?
I’m committing to sitting down and checking in on who and how I want to nurture in friendship, love, and collaboration. I’d encourage you to do it too.
Your thoughts, questions, comments, clarifications are always welcome.
There are big changes afoot. On January 12th, my life changes in a really major way (I’ll tell you more about that below!)
First I want to say thank you so much for being one of the people who are reading the chapters of Sacred Sexy Self Love as they come out. Super gratitude to for everyone who has shared feedback, typos and encouragement along the way. It’s not too late to enter the typo contest. If you want to be first to get the printed book, you can pre-order your copy here, I’m offering a gift for anyone who wants to really support and buy 10 books. OR you can support me on a more consistent basis in the creation of books, audios, and dream homes for community families and single moms by sending me a little, or a lot of money monthly through Paetron.com.
I've already pre-sold copies and it’s really put a fire under my butt to get this complete! This is good news because I’ve been writing the book solidly for about 6 months now, and my writing has caught up with present moment.
Catching up to present moment is a major oh-my-god moment or me, because for a while now, I’ve known that when the book catches up with present moment, it’s time to start imagi-writing.
That’s right. The last chapters of the book are part visualization, part manifestation, part self love, part joy, and a big helping of magic, and then watching it come true, just like I asked, or even better. And this next story is a great example of that having already happened.
Not that I haven’t been doing this all along. You know making it up, and making requests to the universe and then watching them unfold. But I’ve been enjoying pretending from time to time that I’m NOT doing that, that I’m not in charge, and that I’m somehow at the whim of magic, or victim to it all (depending on what kind of day it is.)
I know that to manifest powerfully, I have to show up authentic, vulernable, and true to myself. FULLY. Which means sharing the things that I’m most excited about, and that scare me the most to step into.
So today, I knew it was time to share about LOVE.
That’s right! I’m in love! With someone who looks at me and thinks I’m the best thing since Kombucha! I was scared to tell you this, because in the past when I announced I was in love it got bashed down. But it’s true, I got exactly what I asked for, and to make my next great step, I really have to trust it, and trust myself.
You have to trust that even though you feel you’ve had your ass kicked before, even though love let you down, even though you’ve had your heart broken. You need to be able to let go and trust, that it’s going to work out this time. And the only thing that will give you that level of trust, is to really lean into the awesomeness, really lean into love, really let yourself feel it, let it hold you, let it support you, and let it be in your life. Then, and only then can the magic happen in true fullness.
September 29th. It’s the last day before I leave Bali to go back to Canada and I have a date. I wish it was a date with a hot man who couldn’t wait for me to come back to Bali and live life together, but it’s not. I have to accept that my mission to come to Bali and meet my soul mate has not happened. I’ve dated, flirted, had fun, and walked up the back stairs. I’ve scratched my 28 and single itch, learned a ton about what it means to love with an open heart, and it’s time to go back to being a mom pretty soon. But not quite yet.
First I have a date with destiny. A friend of mine mentioned a Theta Healer yesterday, and I knew I had to go see her.
So with 4 hours left before my plane leaves, I sit down in front of Erika. “What do you want to work on today?” she asks.
I rattle off a list of things that I want to leave behind in Bali, that I’m ready to release all final resentments or attachments I have around pain in being a single mom, and a handful of other things that are going on in my life these days that I’d like to shift. She smiles like she hears this all the time and she asks for my hand, I give it to her, and she beings to muscle test me “Say my name is Elena.”
“My name is Elena.” Yes, my fingers hold strong together.
“I am a strawberry.” No, my fingers fly open.
We talk a little, she tests a few things, and makes some notes, and then comes to “I am worthy of love.” My fingers fly open, no fucking way.
She goes quiet for a bit like she’s listening to something greater.
Say “I am married to Derek.” My fingers give the strongest yes they have in the entire session.
“Well let’s clear that out” she says, and starts to rattle off her healing protocol rapid fire. My body coalesces into complete presence, there’s a fire like lightning that shoots through my body, goosebumps form on the inside of my soul, and I hear her breathing pick up. I can feel her feeling it too. There is a profound shift happening right now. I know this is why I came to see her.
We do a little more work, and then it’s time for me to go fly. As I ride the taxi, heading into 36 hours of travel time, I think about the implications of having been energetically married to my ex. Of course I attracted all of these emotionally unavailable men while I was in Bali, I was still married! On a very visceral level, my boy knows that now I’m not, and I wonder what the future holds.
In my time in Bali I’ve had a string of love affairs, short and alchemical encounters with the opposite sex that have helped to re-create me as I am. I thought I would fall in love with each one of them as they showed up in my life, I walked into evenings and weeks with them with a heart open to love. I’ve become unattached to who or how love shows up in my life, I know it will always be there. There will always be a cuddly, sexy, hot conscious man to keep me company if that’s what I desire. I know that with certainty that there will be a new lover in my life within 24 hours to 4 days of arriving in any new place, and it’s easy to open with these conscious and beautiful men.
It’s easy and it’s not. Because with each of them, as much as I am learning. I have felt this underlying yearning to be in deep alchemy with one. It be with a man who cherishes me more than the others, who will be more than a week long fling, who chooses to have me in his space on regular basis. Who I can deepen with. I know the power of deepening with one person, of creating a love bond. I yearn to allow myself to really open in trust. I’ve let go of the suffering of not having this, and the desire remains.
And then, then I meet him.
I’m heading to Bowness to give a talk about JoyGasm. I’m early, so I follow the flow of the day and end up at The Light Cellar.
When I walk through the door there is a friend of mine, and she is talking to this gorgeous man, with the face of a god and a light in his heart that radiates out. I give hello hugs to my friends on either side of him. A friend who works there comes and gives me a hug, and then I give him a hug in the middle. We talk for a little bit, and the energy is high. In the middle of the conversation, he gets up and walks out of the building. I’m a little confused, and a little sad that he’d gone.
I blush and think to myself “I like your style.” I’m in awe that this moment is happening, and I’m at a loss for words, I just stand there feeling turned incredibly turned on, excited and curious. The silence is deafening, and also completely okay. We stand there, and he seems like he’s struggling to find his next words.
A phrase that has helped me a ton in difficult conversations wanders through my mind, so I say to him. “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.”
He seems to relax a little bit, and his next words “Are you available for intimate partnership?” makes my heart skips 3 beats and fills me with joy. I’ve had a breakthrough. It’s official, this question means I’ve escaped the loop of non-committal men. Thank fuck!
“Yes.” I say with a huge smile in my heart. The yes carries a gravity, a truth, a wholeness, the embodied knowledge that I am no longer married to my ex. In my mind, I feel the familiar question “Is this him? Is this him? If this is him, I’m game, yes, this is what I’ve been asking for.” I can feel myself opening in this moment.
“Well, except I’m going back to Bali.” I say. Instantly I’m contracted. How can this be? How can this be what I think it is, when I’m leaving so soon. Why would the universe to this to me? Why couldn’t he have showed up in Bali! I’m leaving!
We float over to the Elixir Bar, and find seats. We sit, and face each other. I wonder who is this person? We sit, deeply gazing into each others eyes for at least 5 minutes in complete silence. There is this sense of knowing. There is this space of YES, there is this wonder.
He offers me his hand, and I reach out to meet it, but I don’t touch him. We feel the energy of the space between our hands, like it is the most natural thing to do. He’s still a bit wobbly with his words, and I think it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He says “Hands have polarities, negative and positive, giving and receiving. My right hand is my receiving hand.” I think about it for a moment. “My left hand is my receiving hand. Can I gift you something?” I hold my right hand in front of his right hand. The change is the connection is palpable. I hold myself intent, gifting him clarity, groundedness, love. I can feel the deepening of our pulse and weave together
There is a pause in the moment, and I realize I had come to get a beverage or work on my laptop, or something. None of that seems important now.
I look up and Deni is looking at us. I suddenly remember the rest of the world exists. “I wanted to order an elixir, and I have a sore tickle in my throat, maybe you can fix that?” Deni brings me a concoction to ease it. He gives Daniel this eye like he knows something big is up, and brings one for him too. “You need to gargle it, maybe three rounds” Deni says.
I’m a bit at a loss for action, as my body and mind are a blur of love and presence. Daniel takes the first plunge and gargles it in front of me. I follow suit, and we’re gargling at the bar together. We look at each other and laugh. After the third round my sore throat is totally better, and I thank Deni for the suggestion. “Daniel came in earlier today with a sore throat too.” He gives us both this knowing look, like a pure message from the universe “Can you see the magic here?”
These moments have been deep and soulful, and they come with the sensation of a wink, reminding me of the illusion. This man is not a man. He is a gift, an experience, here to remind me who I am, who I am when I feel love deeply, and remember the essence of who and what I am. In his gaze, I remember deeply the truth of my nature as a spirit, embodied in a body, experiencing deeply the feeling of love. It’s glorious, and it’s an illusion.
We go walking. Our time together is playful, full of laughter. I feel expanded, blissed. The trees are the golden sun of fall, and make rustling noises as we walk. The air is brisk, and the sun is still warm on my skin.
We come to the river, and find a spot where we can sit together. At first we sit side by side, and talk more. I feel that hesitancy I sometimes have around men when I’m attracted to them, “Don’t mention your son, you’ll scare him off.” I don’t know how old he is, his face is young, he could be 22, which in my experience means that having a 5 year old son turns this from “dream date” to absolutely nothing in about 2 seconds flat. But the way he breaths, his soul is old, it’s impossible to tell his age. I can hold the energy of possibility just a little bit longer. I manage to avoid the topic the entire conversation. I’m safe for now.
I want to be closer to him. I ask if I we can sit yab-yum. My legs move around his waist, my body sitting in his lap. He pulls me closer, in and up, and we drop into breathing together. His breath is so solid, so strong. I fall in with his rhythm, and the energy rises. I can feel the connection in our heart, and I can feel the definite block in moving it down to my hips.
As we sit there, a voice echoes across the valley “To the right, to the right.” It’s a weird moment, one that makes me wonder if this is real agian.
We move back into breath again. It’s a blissed and blessed space. I’m trying to focus and breathe my energy down. I want to connect there with him so badly. I can feel the potency, and yet my energy just… won’t.. go. Our eyes connect deeper. I can see my Tantra path so alive and vital and active in him. I have attracted this man who will sit there and join me in yab yum on a first date. This is a first date? You bet it is. The best first date I’ve ever had.
I’m also deeply aware that I’ve been in similar situations at least a half dozen times in the last 2 months. I am open to being in love and, this man, this man asked if I was open to intimate relationship. I don’t know what will happen beyond this moment, but that question is a freaking fantastic first. The feeling of love is flooding my body, and I can feel how I deeply want to attach it to him. But he doesn’t know me, and I don’t know him. To save my sanity in this moment I say in my head. “Remember the illusion Elena, this is about how you are feeling NOW, not what this means, or who he could be to you in your life, this is a reminder to anchor in this feeling of love into your life.”
While I look into his eyes, and feel deeply the illusion, I also feel the truth of connection and know that the feeling is real. I am open to being in love with this man.
I struggle to hold both truths at the same time.
As we move back into breathing more, I speak about the wind, how it is my lover, and how it often gusts when I speak the truth.
It’s mid October in Calgary. The river is about 4 degrees. Not only am I drenched, but I’m freezing. This is NOT the tropics, what the fuck! Then I look up. He’s drenched, his hair is wet and stuck to his face, and he’s even more handsome than before. That rain moment from the NoteBook, yeah, that’s my life right now. OMFG. I want to kiss him. We get up, and look at each other and our eyes connect in the most powerful way. We laugh. Time stops and it’s the most magical moment, like it’s the only moment that’s ever happened.
My playful self takes over. “We’re already wet! Let’s jump in again!”
He laughs and dives right back in. It’s so refreshing, and I feel incredibly alive. When we get back up, he moves closer to me, and I feel the pulse of our connection. It’s so huge.
“May I kiss you?” He asks, his voice stirs a place in me I didn’t know existed. My response drips with desire and barely whispers out of my mouth. “Yes!”
We weave closer to each other, the seduction and excitement building. Our faces move close together, not touching, but so connected. My body is alive and vibrant.
(That first kiss is sacred ground, and mine and his to remember, and I can’t find the words to share it with you, so please insert your own best kiss memory here.)
I’m certainly not cold anymore! We move apart again, and I reach out and hold his hand. I look up to the hill above us, and there is an elderly couple walking past us holding hands. There is this air around them of love in longevity, of relationship that endures, of many walks next to the river together, of love that deepens sweetly over years and decades.
I look back at this man, who’s hand I am holding, and I get goosebumps. I’ll take that, sign from the universe. I'll also take the reminder that this is all made up. Illusion.
“Let’s get in the river one more time.” I say, but this time it’s not a playful jump, it has this air of ceremony to it, this space of commitment, of deep love. I’m again reminded how the same thing can feel so different each time you do it.
We walk into the river together, holding hands.
We each take the plunge at the same time.
We come up, at the same moment.
We look at each other, and hold the gaze.
There is a part of me that knows deeply
that life will never be the same again
now that I’ve met him.
We walk back to the car, I’m sometimes cold, sometimes fine, and it’s amusing to see how my intention and focus will make me feel freezing, or not at all an issue. Even the cold is an illusion.
As we get close to the car, I laugh. I haven’t unpacked yet, so I still have everything I own in my trunk, including all my clothes. I am always taken care of! I start the car, crank the heat, and then move back behind the car to get changed. I pull out my painting pants, a pair of old cutoff yoga pants, and a boys shirt I found and claimed off the beach in Mexico. He’s dressing, and I want to peek, but don’t. I pick out something beautiful to wear to my event this evening, and am filled with gratitude for having a change of clothes.
We hop in the car and it’s sweltering. Awesome. We’re grateful to be warm, and laugh about the experience. I realize I’m late to meet my friend who I haven’t seen in 6 months, She is speaking at the event tonight too. This in itself is a beautiful cycle coming around again. Cindy and I met 2 years ago because we were both facilitating for a Goddess Mommies, just like this one. I shoot her a quick message, and tell her I’ll be late. I have to go now! The event starts soon.
I drive him back to his car. He gives me his email address, we talk a bit about seeing each other again, his weekend is taking him out of town and I have an event now. We part ways. Potentiality is all that remains of this magical afternoon. Only time will tell if we continue to journey together.
I drive off to my event, bubbling with the magic of the universe, the energy of love, and extra turned on for sharing JoyGasm with Goddess Mommies tonight.
Oh, and ps. He's arriving in Bali January 12th.
These days I’m pretty peaceful around it. See I’ve mostly silenced that incessant voice that says “Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Him? Him? Him? Is it him? Is it HIM? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? Is it him? IS IT HIM???
Part of me has been asking that question every moment of my life since my son’s dad left. It’s been exhausting. Especially in Sayulita, a beach town full of half naked surfer boys, or an Ubud full of conscious nomad men on a mission. Even here, the process of going to work at Hubud, or twice a week ecstatic dance was a constant journey of finding my own center again and again.
Never mind any time I actually had a conversation with one of them! I hoped it would be him. It’s turned out (so far!) that it wasn’t any of them. On each moment where excitement turns into “I’ll see you when I see you, whenever that is.” I’ve had the opportunity to drop another level. To drop all the expectations and intentions and fears and hopes I had for what “could be” with that person.
I’m not saying that what I’m creating is bad. I mean the men that are showing up are beyond my wildest dreams from 3 months ago. There is definitely a new baseline for what’s date material. All of them beautiful, location independent businessmen, out to make a positive difference in the world. One of them was even the guy I FB stalked when I was doing research about traveling and was the reason I knew there would be eligible nomad hotties in Bali. For my birthday I had a guy I’d never met FLY TO BALI to meet me! Try not to create any expectation around that one! Holy fuckaroni!
So I’m feeling pretty good about all of it, I’ve learned so much about myself, I recognize that it’s all helped me fall more and more in love with myself. Plus without 5 year old Alex in the picture for the last 2 months it’s been fantastic to be a footloose and fancy free 29 year old hottie, instead of my usual MILK self.
“You must not want that one on one relationship right now or you'd create it. We're learning that we create everything correct? This is exactly what you are putting out into the world & you are receiving back to you men that don't want a commitment right now. So if it truly is a settled down relationship & a father figure for your son simply create it:) We all have to take responsibility for our own creations.”
Fuck. I can’t deny the truth of that. This is the longest I’ve been single for in my whole life. I know some people spend years or decades single, but as someone who’s always been in relationship, seven months is a long LONG time for me. I recognize (and just had smashed in my face by my friend) that there’s this piece in me that continues to “not create” a partner.
So now it’s time to do the inquiry. Do I actually know what I want? What’s standing in the way of me creating that?
Because I’ve watched enough things come into manifestation in my life within 3 days or 2 minutes. The next big breakthrough is only an energy shift around the corner. The next inspired lunch spot, and boom there he is.
But not if there’s part of me that doesn’t want it. Not if there’s part of me that is conflicted as to what I want.
I want the depth of a man committed to growth and love with me.
I think that’s what I want. If it were that simple I would have it. There’s got to be more than that.
It’s not the first time I’ve written the list. So I sit down to examine it.
I want someone who thinks I’m the best thing since Organic Raw Chocolate Raspberry Coconut Cream Cake, and wants to spend lots of time loving with me. A partner, a friend, a lover. Deep, passionate romantic love that endures and grows stronger for decades. Someone I admire and respect, who makes me laugh, and feels like my best friend. Someone who cherishes me, writes me love notes and tells me I'm amazing, tallented, perfect, beautiful constantly. (And means it) Someone who it feels like electricity to kiss and make love with. Someone who gets, and loves and embraces all aspects of me. Someone who is an amazing father and will one day consciously bring new life into the world with me, worship me as a goddess for being the holy womb who holds his seed and nutures life in to being. Someone who will be amazing to me through the vulnerability of pregnancy and is committed in nurturing of myself as a mother, and of that new life. Someone who is droolingly hot, and loves dancing, preferably with a great singing voice, and a passion instrument. Someone who is doing great work bringing consciousness and love to the world. Location independent, but interested in living in Bali for the forseeable future. Someone who will set aside the afternoon to roll around naked in nature with me. Who will pick flowers and tuck them behind my ear, and then nibble my neck till I twitch out in JoyGasmic bliss. Who will laugh at my silly pun jokes, and make me laugh till my cheeks hurt. Who will tickle me, and wrestle with me, and inspire adventures I wouldn’t organize on my own.
But I have kid. I know men fall in love and take on single moms sometimes. I even have some friends who fell in love and ended up with 5 or 6 kids with their two families coming together. I’m definitely clear that I’ve been saying for 5 years that I wanted someone to help me raise Alex. There have been men who came in and were good role models and helped me when I needed help. But someone who will stick around, it’s still theory at this point.
I can see how someone like that could/can/does exist, but how does that fit into my desire for a community of people to be energy playing friends and lovers with. Or a maybe being part of a quad, or a little morphing tantra/poly community. How does that fit in with a committed relationship. I can see the lack of clarity within myself.
I want that partner, and I also need him to accept me as I am. And I’m a whole hell of a lot of strange and juicy woman. JoyGasm for fucks sake. There can’t truly be someone who wants and desires all of that in a partner. I need someone who can accept that my favorite thing in the world to do is to get a group of people writhing in laughing orgasmic ecstasy. That’s weird stuff for the average person.
Now I can see the limiting beleifs that hold me back from creating him. So now I go about weeding them out. It could be as little as 3 days.
About 90% of me knows it could be true, soon. Thinks I could have already met him, just haven’t cleared enough to believe that it could be the start of relationship.
I feel like my list is too specific, too much.
That’s what it comes down to. Too Much. This is one of my core negative beliefs about myself. I’ve done at ton of work on it, and I’m doing really well these days (or you’d never see the light of day of this blog post, that’s for sure!) Too Much is something that stopped me from sharing JoyGasm for eons. Something that has me anchored into an idea that I’m strange, unruly, unloveable, and way too out there for someone to love and want to be with me.
There can’t truly be someone out there like that. Who would love me as I am. Who would take on a JoyGasmic single mom. Too much.
So since I’m here, and I’m pondering all of this. The question remains. If that’s what I believe. What emotions are underlying that, where are they trapped in my body, and am I willing to let them go, so I can create what I really want in life?
I'll let you know how it goes in the next week!