Meeting Your Future Self
5 years ago I wrote myself a letter from the future.
I was very pregnant and had just moved back in with my parents, having gotten it through my head that my relationship with my sons bio-dad was not going to be supportive of me as a new mom. I was depressed, desperate, in my first months of business, and not even that excited about baby being born, just glad that the ache in my back would be gone soon, and I would have some space in my belly. In those pregnant days life was a dark and fearful place.
I sat down, entered, and connected to my future self. She was sitting in Morocco, at a cafe, and laughing with her partner. She was sipping tea, and talking about the possibilities. Wizing through parallel realities of what “might happen when we get up from the table” would we meet someone to take us on an adventure, would we walk down the beach, would we stumble over a camel, or make out in the park… what would be the most fun. My partner and I turn to each other, and laugh. We know exactly which one seems most fun.
We set our collective intent upon it, and release it.
When it’s time to pay the bill, we get up, and start off into the buzzing market. Within a few moments, we encounter a woman, and it’s clear to both of us, she is the gateway to our adventure. We introduce ourselves, follow her, and she leads us to a community like the one we’ve been searching for. We laugh at the perfection of creation, and enjoy the heck out the afternoon with her. We have met another family member, and we are powerful in our creation.
This sense of mastery, of freedom, of choice and receiving, is something I’ve caught in glimpses and in moments over the years.
Like desiring to go to Afest, and getting an invite that seemed impossible. Meeting a lover who strikes every chord in my body. Letting go of moments of anger deeply felt in the past. People lining up in majestic perfection. Life showing me in perfect harmony what is needed for the transformation of being set free. Magic indescribable I’ve seen happen. And this frustration that the intensity seems to happen only in short bursts. And at the time I wrote this letter, it was a hopeful melody, echoing back from the past. This playful nature of my future self, seemed unreachable, unattainable to my depressed, repressed and abused self.
It was at the time, only a dream from the future.. to give me hope and pull me forwards.
Well, I’m excited to say that next week, I go to meet my future self. My partner Maxim and I fly to Morocco. Alex, that babe in my belly is now almost 6, and passionate in his own right about what “most fun” is. I never knew a reason WHY I wanted to go to Morocco, only that I would go. And now the moment is upon me. I have gathered who I thought I would be..
realizing that my life now, is unrecognizable from the woman of 5 years ago.
Sure, I still have moments of struggle, of getting caught in mind games and worry and fear. But my attitude, my general experience, and my perception of myself are so different than the scared and fearful girl I was those years ago. They say you don’t know what you’re made of until you try. I didn’t know how strong I was until the last 5 years dragged me to a pit and beat me. I thought that was bad, but.. nothing compared to what came after that.
I really learned how strong I am when I dragged my own butt out of that pit kicking and screaming with parts of me trying to get back into the pit.
And I’m realizing how strong am I now.. Being strong in loving it it. In loving myself through it. And in being strong enough to let myself have what I want. Live how I want. Travel with the dream family I’ve always wanted (and that’s more than just 3 of us! if you want to come travel along, we’re making rooms for you!)
If you’ve dreamed it. You can do it.
Keep the faith, enjoy the ride, and celebrate the heck out of moments like this. Where you really do see dreams (and future letters) come true.
Also published on Medium.