But what is addiction?
I want to escape. I’m wandering around the kitchen looking for… something… What I really want is more wine..I snuck some while cooking dinner. But there’s only a little left, it’s not mine and it would show if I took it.
So…Blue cheese? Bread and honey? God I just want to get laid. It’s only been 1 day, but that’s WAY too long right now. Maybe I’ll do some work… there’s always more work to do… A joint.. A cigarette… My soul feels like it’s itching from the inside .. I turn another lap… A small voice inside of me says “Stop yourself Elena.. Stop yourself.. You’re stuck… Wake up.. Wake up..” But I don’t.
I wander around a few more times, to the bedroom, back again. Maybe I could just sit and read a book, that would be good self care…. But… the urge to consume.. Consumes… Something.. wine. Anything. Cheese. Right now. Fuck me. Please! If only I could spend the next 30 minutes shoving “guilt free” popcorn in my mouth, but we don’t have any.
What the fuck is happening to me? The urge to consume is so strong, and I want to feed it. If I want to explain it away, it’s a GAPS style Gut imbalance, from eating too much cheese and bread since we came to France. It wants to feed itself on it’s gorge foods. Or it’s work-ah-holicism. My never ending to do list, only compounded by the fact that we’re not yet 100% sure where we’re going to land in 2 days time in Barcelona, and god help us if we can’t find an AirBNB under $50 euros and end up spending $300-800 we don’t feel we have for 4 days in Barcelona, trapped between a carpool and a train we’ve already booked… fuck I hate feeling broke in Europe instead of rich in Thailand.
My body twitches, and all of a sudden I remember.. JoyGasm.
I wake up. Oh yea.. My body is spinning and convulsing in Opiate withdrawal. That’s what’s happening. . Two days in a row of being rocked in sexy bliss has primed my brain to look for more of this trancendental space, combo’ed with all the blue cheese and bread.. It’s true.. My “addictive response” is high and active these days, as is my cortisol, which is calling me to do something to connect and fix it. YES this is how i think about my behaviour.
And I know I could Gasm it out.. and feel the fullness of my feelings.. Even the thought of it calms the edge of my “consume” But I don’t want to open up to it. I’d rather be uncomfortable or shove my face full of food. But I don’t do that either. Instead I sit and I write. Which is surprisingly soothing.
I ponder the space of addiction. How is it.. that as a generation, we are addicted to technology, food, and drugs, to serial love to numb out from life. How did this happen.. and more importantly.. How do we create healthier patterns within ourselves and our communities (fuck that.. how do *I* do it??)
And I wonder.. what would a world be like, where we met those needs in community, from a heart space, using the drugs that are natually in our body/brain already. My answer comes swiftly… Max comes into the room, and sees the internal struggle that is me convulsing in resisting consumption internally and hugs me. After 10 seconds my body relaxes, after 25 and my heart opens. The insight and answer comes… Oh… all those things I was searching through, and all I really needed was… A hug.
Comment below. What’s your go to escape? Have you ever experienced something like what I described above?